Crazy me.: A sudden rush of hopelessness

This is a letter I made for my tita in Australia. I just felt so down that I needed to talk to someone. Dear Tita Adele, How are you?? I hope all is well with you and tito Sonny. I want to write you a letter because God has been teaching me a lot of things lately. There were a lot of lessons I had to learn the hard way. 1) Sadly, I was not able to reach that interview with pastor Peter so I won't be able to tell him about tito Sonny hehe. In less humorous words, I did not make the exam. I don't know which part I failed and could not understand why God did not make me pass it. It was mostly EQ and konti lang yung comprehension and aptitude. Made me wonder why I was not for CCF - I was either not intelligent enough or my personality was just not for the job? There were a lot of things in my mind the moment I received the text message. I wanted to cry in Glorietta in front of my dad but sa kakikayan ko, I did not want to look like a raccoon after smudging my eyeliner haha. Thing is tita, I just felt so bad. It made me think that I am just not good enough or intelligent enough because I keep failing company examinations. I only passed two out of the many that I took. I definitely thought something was wrong with me. Other people made it! the CCF staff made it! why can't I make it?? It was a long day of spirit searching. Then again, my parents comforted me by saying that it really was not for me and that the reason why we loved it there is because it's near and the environment is safe. Nothing more, nothing less. Still I wonder, is that the real reason why God closed the door? or is there something else. He has not told me yet. 2) I am having a hard time waiting for the right job to come along. Parang I feel like I am wasting my time. I am trying to do productive things pero parang hindi pa enough. Thing is, my parents are not even worried! good thing they are not pressuring me because they know it will come in its right time. Funny nga kasi hirit sa akin ni mommy palagi, "okay lang yan Lica, hanap ka lang ng hanap, good thing na we still have more time together before you find a good job." I guess she's right. If it does happen then I won't be able to spend more time with them. Tita, is this normal? I feel so insignificant and inefficient. I am so embarrassed to tell anyone because they might think I am being melodramatic. But it's really a difficult stage for me now. I don't know where path God is leading me and somehow He's been silent. It scares me at times. 3) I recently came across Steve Jobs' 2005 Commencement Speech in Stanford University and I was uplifted at some point. He said, "I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle." Thing is, I still don't know what I want haha. I still don't know what I am really good at. All those years in college did not make up my mind on what I really want to do. Again, it scares me. What am I going to do? hmm. I can't even 'annoy' my parents with this question, my constant worry will just make things worse. I am trying to find my niche in other companies as I started applying again. Is it really this hard? sadly, i am not used to hardship haha. My parents brought me up that way and that fact scares me also! haha. My friends are used to trials and challenges so I am guessing they'll do great and reach places...ako kasi I am so sheltered...i don't know what will happen to me once I hit the real world. Waah. Creating this e-mail is making me feel down as well hahaha. I hope I did not put you down with my discouraged attitude. I want to be lively again...I am trying. I don't know how to close this haha. Umm...I guess I am crazy for feeling this way...after my mom's handful of encouragements. She and dad have been the best confidence boosters...I really don't know what I will do without them. I really feel so loved with you people around. You..mommy, daddy, tita Dit, tita Mariz...you've been like family to me :) Thanks for knowing that I can make it and I will make it with God's strength. I love you, tita. Come home soon. We miss you. We've been praying for your return!! Hi to tito Sonny. Thanks for always praying for me, I know that even if God is silent, He is already working on a miracle for my life and for the lives of those I love. yours truly, Lica