Never forgotten

As I end the day, I cannot deny the fact that there was only but one person in my mind the whole time.He filled my seconds, minutes and hours, from the time my dad and I exchanged opinions in a famous restaurant at the heart of UP to the long afternoon spent in singing songs to the Lord. When I woke up from bed this morning, I felt a sudden rush of bleakness as I saw dark clouds coming in from my window. I cautiously made sure that he will no longer be invading the little space in my mind, else I know I will go crazy all over again. When dad and I stopped by Ateneo to check some shirts, I found myself deciding whether to buy him a dark blue shirt with an Ateneo logo designed like a Philippine flag or this other shirt with colorful letters spelling out a cheer. He will be turning 22 soon and I unconsciously started counting the money I have left in my wallet and carefully plotted my plan to 'LBC' my special delivery. I was rehearsing the plan in my mind the whole morning as every single Ateneo product I got a hold of reminded me of him even though he did not have a single drop of blue in him. The thought of college, UAAP and university halls triggered my imagination of him. It was painful, crazy and devastating. When I took a bite of my sweet temptation in UP, I relentlessly started telling my dad stories of how painful my previous school years were. Though they saw how good I was in my academics, the rarely saw my monochromatic episodes which happened continuously in various themes and scenes throughout my four years in college. I kept telling him how I was never really happily single from first to fourth year. Though I was not always attached to someone, I was not necessarily uninvolved. All my past relationships and flings were the unsuccessful yang of my triumphant ying. They were just tremendously horrible as compared to my okay performance in school. My dad started telling me that in his opinion, I could have excelled more in my studies if only I did not get distracted. I would have truly graduated with honors, cum laude even, if I just put my academics in the pedestal instead of unnecessary relationships which led to terrible heartaches. To my dismay, his name and face popped during the course of my conversation with dad. I started relating to him how much I truly loved this guy even more than I can imagine. He was the very arrow that stroke my achille's heel. He was the main thing of my last two years in college. The very person who broke my heart the most and left it broken, until now. Though I was the one who had the last say in our so-called "uncommitted relationship", I still held him responsible for crushing my heart. In my mind, ending all communication with him will help me live a healthy life but the past days and months resulted otherwise. My parents never met him and never talked to him, even once. My mom must have said one word of 'hello' to him one time she tried miscalling his number on my phone when she found out about our secret fling. He never set foot in our house to meet them and I was never able to introduce him to them in a mall or anywhere for that matter. He was the 'invisible man' my parents heard of but never laid eyes on. I thought my tragic story that morning was the end of it. By the time we got home, I forgot about his existence. But when I went to church and started singing to Jesus and hearing more about His word, that's when his presence was made known to me again. Instead of crying for my own sins and asking God for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive his and release him from his transgressions. For once, I was not thinking about the bondage I was going through because of him and asking God to release me from it. I, instead found myself crying out to Him hoping for a miracle that may be just may be, God will reveal Himself to the one I still love. It was no longer a prayer and plea to eventually get us together but a desperation and a cry to God that someday I will see him in eternity. I want to be with him in heaven so badly more than seeing his face, feeling his hug and hearing him whisper the words, "I Love You." Then I knew, this was no longer infatuation...it was love. It's impossible that there will even be an 'us' today or tomorrow. There was never even an "US" yesterday...but I do pray that there will be an "US" in the next lifetime. To you, wherever you are and whatever you are doing, know that in my heart, the feelings never changed.

I Was Just Thinking - Teitur

I could have sworn it was you all along. I could have guessed that it was you I wanted to spend forever with. I love you.