Confession

I hope this will be my last entry for the day as I am trying to cut down on internet consumption. I recall what my mom told me minutes ago as she was preparing to leave for the office. I quote her words, “Lica, you are a 100% person, you give your all and I think that is what will make you a good wife in the future. God created us to be that way, sayang naman kung mapunta ka sa mali diba? It will be like waiting for something to end only to come to a conclusion that you are already tied for eternity. Alam mo, when God gives you the right man, there will be no height, intelligence, character preferences or requirements…yun na siya and it will just fit your personality perfectly kahit sino pa siya.” Hours before that, I found myself crying in church. Aside from praying for my parents’ further success and good health, I started telling God the truth about my feelings. I finally realized what it was that I was looking for and how I tremendously felt about it. Sure I was praying for the right career, salary, boss and environment but there was something else at the back of my head that made my heart start beating faster than usual. I know I should no longer utter his name but this entry will make things even clearer than it already is. I told God that I truly like Lom (not his real name). With him, it was an on-off crush kind of thing, there were distractions a few times in my life that made me forget how much I liked him and how much I still do. But sometimes I wish things happened the other way around…that he was the ‘distraction’ that made me forget how much I was infatuated with certain people I should not even like. But he was always in my list despite the few guys who came and went. I kept asking God why he kept on making our paths cross. It would have stopped back in nursery when we no longer heard of each other the moment we entered another school for kindergarten. He went to a co-ed school in San Juan while I studied in an all girls’ school not far from the school we first met. For a long time, I thought we will never meet again but little did I know that God had other plans in mind. I did not know that his parents and mine were already friends even before we were born, so it came as a surprise when one night I saw his mom and dad in our living room having a bible study with my parents. Right there and then I knew our story was not yet finished. The moment I saw him again at our doorstep, my heart literally had crazy palpitations. We never expected that we’ll be seeing each other again that fateful day. He was asked to do a favor for his parents while I chose to stay at home. It never occurred to me that that was the day I will be seeing him again. High school became sweeter as his name was alive once more in my heart but this time I already know his full name, where he lives and what he likes. It was fourth year when he started texting me a few times. His messages varied from asking me if I passed in my dream university to how envious he was that we didn’t have school because of our fair. He was then studying in one of those prestigious all boys’ school and I was still in the same exclusive girls’ school. I had the shock of my life when I saw him loitering in our school campus during our fair. I can still remember his blue shirt and jeans and his smile that sent me soaring to the highest heavens. If only I could post a picture of him here only to prove how God beautifully made him. His face always had this certain charm and his smile was my favorite ever since we were kids. He had this really wide grin that gave his emotions away. I would always feel safe whenever I stand next to him because he was much taller than me. He was almost perfect. Not to mention how intelligent he truly was. He was part of the star section in high school and finished college in one of our top three universities. He is now a heartthrob in our church but he never once flaunted his good physique. He was humble in his own way and that made me like him even more. He was never one of those vain guys who thought they were truly attractive. Lom was always quiet but he had an active social life. He is still your average kind of guy who parties with his friends and drinks from time to time but still stood firm in his priorities. He was a good responsible kid who loved his parents very much. It hurts that I already know him this well as compared to before. But note that we were never really that close, it just so happens that our parents are very close that’s why I learn so much about his life. The few times that we would text, he never did once flirt with me. Who am I kidding right? Maybe I was never really his type but even so, I knew he was not the kind who will take advantage of me or any girl for that matter. I can also recall the few times, God allowed us to be together. There were two instances that I will never forget. One was that rainy day in April while we were at church camp. I was at my worst state that time for I was emotionally and physically sick and had no intentions of going to another retreat. That same retreat was his first one and since I was one of the few people he knew, God gave us the chance to talk more often than usual. So that rainy day, while the rest of the people were inside the hall for the message, I went out planning to buy a pack of tissue because I ran out due to my heavy colds. I sought shelter in a gazebo before running towards the snack shack when I saw him approaching me. He stood by my side and asked me how my first night was and I told him that I was really sick to the point that my parents wanted to fetch me. He said it was so likely of my parents and told me to take good care of myself while I am there. He gave me a light tap on the back and went back inside the hall. It was like a Korean moment minus the mutual feelings because he never felt the same way I did about him. The rain complemented the whole scenario and I tell you, it was as though I was no longer sick! Like my colds left me instantly. I felt so energized because of the emotions I felt inside. The next would have to be that one cool night in Fort Bonifacio. My dad was celebrating his birthday and we decided to invite his family for dinner. While the rest of our parents and other adults were having coffee somewhere, we walked the whole Fort strip. It was one of the best nights for me as I stood an inch away from him. We talked about relationships the whole time. He told me that he was having a hard time with his girlfriend and deep inside I kept asking myself, why did he not wait for me? Where was I the whole time this was going on? (Again, as if I was his type) Then I remembered, I was also in a relationship with someone whom I should have not entertained in the first place. It suddenly dawned on me that my focus was elsewhere! I went ahead of God’s plans!! I got really scared because this cycle of me committing the same mistakes time and time again might cause me not to meet the right guy for me. A lot of girls like him now, still I wonder if I will even have a space in his future. I do not understand why God is making this whole situation harder for me. We could not have seen each other again in high school, he would not have transferred to our church, my parents would not have been in the same group as his! Things could have been simpler! I would not have been open to his mom that one time when I confessed about my impurities with this other guy. Her mom would not have cried in front of me and prayed with me that God will release me from that bondage and that God will also intervene in her son’s life. I could not have exposed myself in such situation! Just to make things easier for me. Just so I can forget him earlier than expected. But it’s been a long time. It’s been since pre-school! I cry whenever I see him raise his hands to God. I shed a tear whenever I see how sincere He is in wanting to serve God above all things. I knew in my heart he will make such an incredible husband. If only he would be my husband in the future. I know he is someone my parents would come to love and I know I would love his parents like they were my own. I know that he is someone I can be with as we see places together. We may not be a perfect match because clearly I can see that we still have no similarities except the fact that we believe in the same God. We still lack that special spark! But I don’t know, maybe God is working in us individually before that happens or maybe not. But one thing’s for sure, he was and will always be that guy who remained in my dreams. Siya na yun! THAT will always be him, my dream God’s best for all time.